“The Exodus” As Documented By the Hebrew Times

Goshen, 26 Yar, 1350 BCE

After enslaving the Hebrew tribes living in Egypt, Ramses II has decreed that all newborn Hebrew boys will put to death.

According to a statement issued by the Egyptian Royal House [ERH], “The Hebrews are a dangerous and growing element in our midst. They live amongst us but their loyalty is elsewhere. It is time that we deal swiftly and decidedly with this potential fifth column. No loyalty, no life.”

The ERH further stated: “These Hebrews worship a new and alien God, yet procreate as if they are sleeping with Isis herself. Egypt does not accept their cult or their babies.”

As a result of Ramses’ decree, many Hebrew mothers are placing their children in baskets on the Nile. “What can I do”, said a woman by the name of Yochevet “I placed my baby in a basket and hoped for the best. The Nile is the giver of life, maybe she can give my baby boy a new life.”

Yochevet also added that she hopes the Hebrew God “punishes these bastards for making us do this.”

The sight of babies floating down the Nile has also brought out many Egyptians who are trying to save the Hebrew babies. Known as “The Nile Baby Women”, these agents of moral courage refuse to tolerate the sight of dead Hebrew children.

“We will not let the Nile babies die”, explains one woman who went under the pseudonym A. Jolie.

When asked about the Pharaoh’s decree, Jolie said, “I follow a higher law.”

It is rumored that Ramses’ own daughter, Bint-Anat, is a supporter of the Nile Baby Women.

Not surprisingly, the ERH is infuriated by the sight of these women. According to Amenhotep, chief of the Egyptian Royal police, “This is a serious problem. These women are trying to save these babies.Many of them are barren and they want children. Apparently even a Hebrew child is better than no child. But they are going against the direct orders of His holiness Ramses II. This is not acceptable”

When asked what the police is planning to do about this breach of law, Amenhotep stated, “It needs to be made clear that anyone who is caught trying to save a Hebrew child will be subject to the same fate as the child they were trying to save.”

Goshen, 22 Adar, 1330 BCE

Moses, adopted son of the Queen of Egypt, is the man who killed the Egyptian overseer, Mai, in Pithom two days ago.

This startling revelation was made last in a special announcement released by the Egyptian Royal House. Even more surprising is the fact, revealed in the announcement, that Moses is of Hebrew stock – and is not an Egyptian, as was generally believed until now.

The perpetrator of the slaying, says the official statement, is presently in hiding, but the police are continuing their search for him. Unofficial reports say Moses has fled the country.

According to eyewitness reports, Mai, who functioned as Chief Overseer of Public Works, was beating a Hebrew slave unconscious when Moses pounced on him and choked him to death.

Prominent Hebrew leaders have condemned Mai’s killing as “irresponsible” and “unrepresentative of Hebrew values.”

Yet a quick trip to a local Hebrew market shows that many here feel proud of Moses’ actions. In the words of one anonymous man: “It’s about time Egyptians understand that what they do to us will be done to them.”

The support is so widespread that Hebrew garments bearing Moses’ name are already being sold in solidarity underground. Some – reading “Let’s get Moses on their ass” – have even turned Moses’ name into an act against injustice.

Many here are hoping that their newly discovered prince will return to lead a revolution.

Goshen, 25 Kislev, 1270 BCE
MOSES: “I’ve moved on”

Years after his dramatic escape from Egypt, Moses has been found living the pastoral life in Median. Married to a non-Hebrew by the name Zipporah, the one-time controversial “Prince of Egypt” now describes himself as a family-man: “I got my wife, kids and sheep”, says Moses, “What more can a man ask for?”

When told of pockets of resistance within the Hebrew community who are still hopeful of his return, Moses replied, “What is happening to the Hebrews is a terrible injustice. I feel for them. I really do. But what can I do against the most powerful empire in the world? I have moved on, and I suggest everybody else do the same.”

So has Moses given up?

Not if you ask his wife. “Do you know how we met?” She asked me, “My sisters and I went to the local well to gather water to feed our father’s flock. All of a sudden some shepherds bullied us and took away our water. Moses saw this and came to our defense.”

“It is in his blood.” She continued, “Moses has the flame of justice burning inside of him. His destiny is to lead men not sheep. The world has not seen the last of my husband.”

Goshen, 14 Adar, 1270 BCE

Goshen is abuzz with reports that Moses had a religious epiphany. According to a source that for reasons of security will remain unnamed, Moses was seen talking to a bush about returning to Goshen and rescuing the Israelites.

“It was very strange”, said the source, “I was napping in the cave when I heard his voice. At first I thought he was talking to me. But then I realized that he did not even see me. He was talking to a bush – a bush that apparently was on fire. I did not hear the bush or see the fire.”

According to our source, Moses kept on saying “What if they do not believe me, and do not listen to me?” It is not clear whether he was talking about the Israelites or the Egyptians.

Moses is also reported to be very worried about his communication skills. It has been suggested that Moses will join forces with his
brother Aaron to speak his message to the people.

Back in Goshen the Hebrew community is of a split mind on the rumors. “It is classic case of being possessed by a desert demon.” said Eyalo Efrato one of influential magicians of the Hebrew clan. “Moses has clearly gone mad.”

Yet the report has also managed to excite the base of a younger generation that has grown up on stories of Moses’ heroism. “We had hoped and prayed for this day to come”, explains Korach, a leading voice in the underground liberation movement, “To partake in the Mosiac revolution is the challenge of our times. I truly feel blessed.”

Goshen, 20 Adar, 1270 BCE
MOSES RETURNS: “Let My People Go!”

In a dramatic governmental session last week, former prince Moses addressed the Egyptian Royal House (ERH). Speaking with the aid of his brother Aaron, Moses demanded from Pharaoh Ramses II to free the Israelites from captivity.

“Ramses, I stand here before you, as a servant of Adoni, and no one else,” said Moses, “the people that you hold captive are not yours to hold. They are not your property. Ramses, this is not a request but a demand, let my people go!

When asked what will happened if Ramses refuses to comply, Moses replied, “Then I am afraid that a great calamity will befall your
people and your land.”

A spokesman for the ERH has informed the Hebrew Times that “His holiness Ramses II will not be intimidated by a fugitive and a terrorist. Not only will we not let the Hebrews go, as of today, their workload will be doubled. They can thank Moses and their God for that”

In a separate session attended by thousands within the Hebrew community, including prominent heads of the Hebrew clans, Moses said: “Our God has appeared before me and spoken to me. He has heard your cry and he has pledged to deliver you out of bondage with an outstretched arm.”

“I understand that you are angry and scared right now. But know this: I promise you that I will not rest until every Hebrew man, child and woman will walk in the path of freedom. Until we all walk like an Egyptian.”

To these words, the crowd exploded into chants: “Walk like an Egyptian! Walk like an Egyptian! Walk like an Egyptian!.”

Goshen, 15 Nisan, 1271 BCE

Blood. Frogs. Lice. Wild Beasts. Cattle Plague. Boils. Hail. Locusts. Darkness. Death of the firstborn.

The Mosiac revolution has taken a violent turn. In a series of disasters that began with rivers of blood and ended with the death of the firstborn, Egypt has suffered its most difficult period in recent memory.

Hebrew sources revealed that during this period Ramses had agreed on numerous occasions to release the Hebrews only to renege in the last minute. It appeared that negotiations had reached a stalemate.

But then came the fateful night of the 14th of Nisan. A mysterious plague left every Egyptian firstborn lifeless.

“Out!” shouted the Egyptian people. “Out before we are all dead! Take our jewelry, take our dresses. But get out – Now!”
The palace capitulated and this morning more than 600,000 Hebrew slaves headed for Egypt’s border. The carried with them the memory of two centuries of degradation and oppression.

“This was a day that will never be forgotten by Hebrew and Egyptian alike” explained Moses, “We are now a free people marching to a land of milk and honey – A place where Hebrews will never know persecution and terror again.”

As they marched away from Geshon, the Hebrews sang: “Exodus: Movement of Jah people!
 Exodus: movement of Jah people!”

While most Hebrews greeted their emancipation with song, a small group of dissenters had camped around Moses’ tent in protest. One of their sign read: “Our freedom and rejoicing should not come at the expense of innocent Egyptian children.”

3 responses to ““The Exodus” As Documented By the Hebrew Times

  1. Excellent! “Let’s get Moses on their ass”! Love it…

  2. Ha. I think we are doing an “adult afikoman” tomorrow. The gift is underwear with “Let’s get Moses on their ass” written in on the back side. Or maybe a shirt 🙂

  3. This is the most lovable laying out of the exodus story I have ever read.

    I am a short story writer. With your permission, can I rewrite, or write a story based on what you have written along with it humor?



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